saye tak heran langsung, tau.

pagi pagi dh impose soklan yg bleh mendtgkan amarah...saje nk bikin panas kan? tapi aku cool lagi bertawaduk handle soklan cantu...aku tahu dia saje nk crk psl..ape angin ntah pagi ni. aku buat cool je..gelak2..senyum2...pdhal..mmg menyampah. suke hati aku la kan. kubur aku dan kubur ko lain2. kalau rase dh tk sanggup nk tanggung dosa aku la kononnye...lepaskan je la. kan senang? tapi kalau dia cinta maut gile, sanggup bear all that, so tkyah la tanye kan? diam sudah.










dah tahu diri sendiri tu sakit tp still tak jage makan. kekadang kan, mls aku nk amek tahu pun sbb diri sendiri tknak jage diri. pastu bodo bendul lak tu, pegi minum air akar kayu smpi dua mug ... haa rasekan la mlm tu darah naik smpi kepala...haih...tkde common sense ke air akar kayu tu mmg la panas mana bleh minum smpi dua gelas...mls nk ckp aih...









diri tu dh incapable toksah la nk meminta2, sbb aku pon bkn interested sgt pun. tp nak jugak...hati tu nak jugak tp diri sendiri tak kuat..so perlu ker aku nk rasa interested. selama ni mmg tak enjoy pon, jd takyah la susah2 ye. thank u for the experience, but i think i can live without it!









canne la aku ni. pi mai pi mai tang tu gak...

Just doing the duties as a wife. nothing more nothing less. and thats about it.

happy?

it is a subjective thing to ponder about.

make happy.

make happiness even if it's a littlest thing. like listening to my daughter 'public speaking' before she goes to bed.

or materialistic thing like, getting a new pink laptop *it does make my heart fluffier a bit

i tried to avoid getting new things to make happiness. money can buy happiness, but only for a while. like this new lappy. im stoked with its neon pink color and how i can access lots of vibrant graphic websites unlike my old lappy but when the lappy is shut down...back to zero yo. like i said, its for a while. nothing lasts in this world. nothing will. like any other thing in life like wealth, love and heck, life itself.

sorry i blabber blabber blabber. self monologue in 4 in the morning. actually i am quite loss. i dunno whats the purpose of getting new lappy anyway. i feel like i lost the cause. like any other million things going on in your life syareena. im just following the dogma like any normal person would.



be everyone's ray of sunshine. be someone's else happiness. fake everything. life is short anyway.

okay, aku rasa insulted bila dia ckp dia nk jumpe kwn dia. kwn whom father is the one self proclaimed pndi ubat org dan lagak alim tp...fuck lah! asshole pervert!!  aku rasa kalu lelaki lain jd laki aku dlm situation ni sumpah dgn kwn2 dia skali tu dia declare war dan tk bertego dh. tp dia??? pi umah la burn cd la what a fucking insult to me. kwn dia pun mesti pk "ala wife dia ckp bohong tu pls laki dia still lepak dgn aku" ... eeii geram aku bile di pikir pikir kn. mmg cibai sume ni. ko yg letak aku dlm situation sial tu skang ko muke tk malu g umah org tu la ape la. mmg dasar pk singkat punye org! kalu ko pk dan angkat tinggi maruah wife ko, u know the rite thing to do. maruah wife ko yg dh ke laut disbbkan ko!!!!!!!!

gaddaammmmmm

oh my... my life sucks. the work sucks since target was increased, im still living with my husband eventho i dont luv him and he cant get that gaddam fact into his mind, i cant find inspiration to start the online biz again because i dont hv the gaddam fukking time. im smiling & pleasing everybody but my inside is hating all these. i am seriously frustrated with all these. sometimes i do feel like running away and excuse me not becoz i kene sihir or apa that got me feeling like det...it is real me...im tired of living a lie...i dreamt of a place far far away fr here. sometimes i feel god better take my life. as it became more meaningless day after day.  living to a dogma...boring, dull, mundane, blah, authorative. living in sins that uncontrollable. i am pretty sure i end up in hell if im continue living like this. adakah aku menganayai atau dianayai. good question for god to answer.

part 2 : hati ini bkn keras, tp sudah tiada. aku syg aaira lebih dr 'femili dan apa yg kita ada'. aku masih disini, disisinya didpn matanya sbb aaira dan aku tknak hilang aaira sbb dah kene ugut. apa aku mampu buat? bertahan dan senyum. smiling is easierly done than explaining why im like this. aaira buat aku hepi tp sekang, selain aaira aku bergantung kpd keduniaan. new shoes new clothes running medal...ya it makes me happy. but only for a while. when i come home, hello its reality check! then i seek more benda benda keduniaan. my mind fickles between a and b. dulu aku begitu. sekarang aku begini.  dulu lg mmg aku mcm ni, so if u question it means u dont know me enough. sbb musabab mind aku fickle byk sgt , aku tktau...tu tanya 'org atas'. that explains why i chg courses and unis many times. tk serasi dgn jiwa aku tuka. haha. dh bosan, tuka. dh tkley blah, tuka. smpi aku dpt yg serasi. tp tk jugak jumpe yg serasi. maybe im not a fan of commitment? kekadang aku terpikir jugak centu sbbnya dr blaja smpi la keje, tk penah aku nk port lama lama kt situ. maybe aku ske elak challenges drpd hadapinya...maybe...maybe....mcm run marathon tuari, the 1st km aku berlari...then after 1km je aku berjln...jln dan jln...aku tk push diri aku utk berlari...padahal..boleh lari kalau nak...tp..aku tunggu the last 1km for running. abeh run, aku assess diri...aku cam...apsal laa aku tk cube jln lari jln lari...why im not pushing myself? the next run aku akan push diri aku skit. sama dgn mcm2 hal dlm life aku, aku akan cube adaptasi "push urself...stretch it as far as u cud" ... ape je aku dh membebel ni. oklah. im going into my coffin now *dieded.

part 1: aku sebenarnya tak penah menanges sprtmana semalam. i was surprised too...i dunno where that came from. tapi bila fikir fikir blk, munkin itu la hasil tekanan dan pendaman yg bertapak dlm diri ni sehingga aku jd mcm tu. aku tktahu apa dia nk lg. aku dh serah diri aku demi aaira. dh serah semuanya. tapi i noe he upset because he cant control one thing. something out of his hand. something yg hanya tuhan je yg ada kuasa boleh ubah. selagi ianya masih kekal begitu, dia akan upset dan pick a fight dgn aku dgn mcm2 hal yg entah ape ape.

November 25, 2011


Gemini (5/21-6/21)



If a part of your heart is feeling empty right now, consider filling it with people you have never met before. In other words, sometimes the best way to feel more loved is to show more love to people -- for no particular reason. Whether you volunteer a weekend morning to pick up garbage by the side of the road or just pay a bridge toll for the car behind you, doing something nice without expecting anything in return will give you more in return than you could imagine.

i hv ample time to mobile blogging because oracle system acting up like a bitch today. generate quote kene tunggu more than 10 mins mana tahan wei. some more pagi td dpt request puaka. 9 consolidations, 3 acf and multiple quotes some more. i died after doing that quote! more than 150k!! workwise, i having a bad luck in that area for this whole week. god im stressed. my tl is gonna hv a heart attack seeing my numbers this week. arr i need to redeem myself but the tix are so tough. and the target is so high up now! im stressed! have i said it already? yeah. twice. god i hate my life now. i hv become so lame. married. have a family. bought a house. work nine to six. what next? daughter goes to school. daughter got married. i go to hajj. then, died. thatz the perfect aturan hidup bagi kebanyakan orang kan? follow the masses. i dont detest the perfect aturan. cuma, kalau dihadapi dengan senyuman & kebahagiaan, some more there is someone by my side...my soulmate perhaps...i dunno who..someone who makes me happy, laugh, content..that perfect aturan i am more than willing utk hadap. even if the aturan is not 'perfect'. is there such thing as soulmate? nvrmind, i'll ask one when im up 'there'  :)    god im stressed. maybe im not a routine fan. tu la dulu2 tknk open ur mind..kalau la aku blaja koz marine biology ke...bleh keje ari2 nyelam laut. or stadi koz fashion ker...glam2 gitu ari2. i blame malaysian education system ! *tetibe...     yeah because seigt aku dulu kalu budak sains stream susah nk apply koz yg bkn sains...   i hv a fren yg time skool tere gile dlm sains, now she work in oil n gas but at same time she took fashion koz and now she is a fashion designer. how cool is that...leading a double life. one is serious, and another one is fun and glam. :) i think she needs that kinda funky life because she is like me...a gemini. meanwhile im a gemini thatz not content with my oh so boring life. im not endorsing horoscopes but sometimes when i read a gemini personality and assesing myself...some if it is true. i get bored quickly. im fickle. i dont like routine. im flighty. i dont finish things and jumped to new things. ok, ive been listing the negatives. haha. the good traits is...umm...easy to warm up with ppl (friendly la, bkn warm up lain :p ) , a talker , a good listener (i keep quiet the whole time unless u wnna my opinion hehe) ,  i can be so determined for things i passionate about to be perfect. i remembered when i was in college, there was a video making assignment using video edit software. tersgtlah teruja dgn assignment tu. i took a harry porter trailer, edit it so many fuvking times, then put the background song...i chose god speed you black emperor song...the end of the video i played it so fucking many times to make the song and ending scene sync perfectly. same goes to my lingerie blog. i like editing those pix and put fancy wording and stuff like that sampai leka. i think i shud took up some creative art koz la instead of computer koz! ah..regrets. is my life will only filled with regrets?  there are so many to reflect by...the question of...if only...  im talking about my entire life.  u noe how we were in primary school when being prefects had so much privileges to the extend of its easier to go to boarding school if u were a prefect? i was offered to be a prefect when i was in primary school. i asked my father can i become a prefect? he said no, because it will take ur study time doing prefect duties. pendek kata, ianya akan menyusahkan aku la. so i turned down the offer. when i was in secondary i wanted to become a prefect but school only elected those who became prefect during primary. the rest is a story of me missing privileges of being a prefect.  my cv not impressive enough to get into mrsm as i only settled to be a librarian. u know if i did entered mrsm my life wud be really diff from now? u noe how mrsm kids excel because they got constant exposure fr past papers. furthering studies to oversea was also a breeze for them. i missed those chances because i follow my father 'words of wisdom'. then i said to myself, when i hv kids one day i will not stand in their way. i will let her fly if its good for her. being a parent in this fast pace era i cannot be narrow minded. ok, thats one of the many 'if only' stories. the incident was small but its impact was big. i wud not be working nine to six in this office doing quotes after quotes if only i dont listen to my father. i maybe lead a diff kinda life....

smalam pegi berubat dgn seorg ustaz di shah alam. i read the darul's rule and one of them is " perempuan sila dtg bersama muhrim atau bersama kawan". lagi satu dia suh menutup aurat dan pakai seluar pnjg. reading these does ease my mind a bit after a traumatic incident with the previous berubat i been to. mmg aku tk pecaya pun ckp org tua tu. tp nk buat apa, terpaksa follow sbb ada org tu percaya sgt and look what he did to me. pervert old man!! but im thankful to God that i am alive, not cut into pieces and be another Banting case. im thankful that my ass not being raped. it just that it left me traumatised and angry. well, the ustaz said i kene sihir rumahtangga dan kerjaya from the beginning we married. means, it had been years and now br meletop. he asked whether aku ada lebam2 bdn, sakit kepala, ati berdebar or mimpi pelik2. dan adekah kiteorg slalu kelahi perkara kecik2. well, aku tkde lebam2 or sakit pale or ati berdebar or mimpi pelik. tp gado perkkara kecik2 dan besar2 tu ada smpi aku mls nk bebel so simpan dlm dan mkn dlm je lah. ade kah gado centu hasil sihir? otak aku mcm antara nk hadam or tk hadam...smalam time solat asar tetibe dlm solat tu fikiran aku membuahkan opinion sebegini "biasa la pasangan somi isteri bergado, sdgkn lidah lgkn trgigit.." hm. i seriously dunno what to think because since the traumatised incident, i hv been skeptical. aku lebih ske fikir secara logik dan rational. tp tkpelah. aku buat je la apa ustaz tu suruh..mandi limau nipis lah, lumur bdn dgn olive oil la, etc as long as im not touched by anyone...is fine with me. just that aku mohon to Allah kalau betul aku disihir, sembuhkan aku tp jika aku tak disihir, berikan aku kesihatan yg baik :)  fikirkan sgt benda ni pun buat apa...life has to go on. but still, i feel empty for him. im sorry....